I am Capable...But am I willing

In December I took a quiz on lovecapcity.com


Score: 4 You are capable of giving and receiving love at the same rate but you don't. In each of your relationships you purposely hold back or you think that they are purposely holding back





I suggest everyone take the quiz. Sadly it did not take a quiz for me to figure this one out. Although the way it is stated really had me saying” Oh Wow I need to do better”. I am aware that my past has a lot to do with how I interact with people in general. I feel it’s easier to stay at arms length. I can see what the other person is or isn’t doing. However what good is that?!!! I mean in retrospect my track record has been kind of hit or miss. Some people have benefitted from having me in their life but I can’t say they same. Whose fault is it...Ultimately mine. The decision to have anyone in my life is mine…even family. No longer can I allow myself to continue with the same track record. That is the joy of the 30s…ability to reprogram. Although anytime is the best time…it’s good to have a restart. So by taking ownership of my choices I am now able to make the decision to “dive in” (Trey song voice) instead of falling back.

Still In your LANE

Ever wonder why someone does or says something they cant back up? Especially when dating. If you can not call daily why start the routine in the beginning. I know it is important to put your best foot forward but be realistic, be intentional and be honest.

Realistic-Out of all people you should know how you operate, your schedule and what your best attributes are. If you spent more time focused on what we are capable of then....dating wouldn't suck so bad!

:for example:  I know we should put our best foot forward but make sure its your size shoe.

Intentional- Is this mutual? What the point? We all have lots going on. Dont waste your time or the other person's time. Because time is so prescious we should be intentional with dating. There is someone for everyone. Dont ruin someone who wants a relationship and you dont. Just find the person that matches your life.

Honest- What do you have to offer? What do they have to offer? These questions should be asked and oftentimes more than once. Let's be honest if we really think back on failed relationships or dating experiences we 'saw' signs.

Overall the goal is to do what you do best, be who with who best fits you and make it work. We must not lonly look out for others but ourselves too. We get nothing great out of overextending what or who we are to make someone like us. In the end we fail us and them>>>>

Timing

Time=Investment



It is puzzling that some people don’t get that in order to really appreciate, learn and understand the person you’re interested in you must spend time. Now I am not stating that you have to consume all your time with your significant other that you neglect your friends and family. But allotted time should be set aside so that each party feels placed in the others life. Personally I can come off stand offish and not as affectionate as I should be. That is why everyone should make a point to take the time to show and tell the person that you care about. Timing is often a convenient excuse, but I'm not always positive it is the real reason. If two people really want to be together, they will both put in effort to try to make it work. It's possible that after trying, one or both may feel like it's not worth the effort, but there has to be at least the initial good-faith attempt. Basically, I can only think of a handful of circumstances where timing is a true, for real, legitimate reason to end a relationship that both people are in to. If you find that someone is not returning the effort you have put into pursing them, It may very well not be an issue of timing at all, and you will have to ask ourself if it's really worth trying to chase after them.

Dating Sux

If I could have had an arrange marriage when I was 18  I wouldn't have to deal with all this. I know things happen for a reason but something has to give. Sometimes I find myself asking "What.Is.The. Point?" I try to be as open and honest about my intentions to make it easier for other to adhere or gracefully bow out. What I don't understand is the ones that decided that what I want and what they want are not the same and leave...COME BACK. Like whhhhhhaattt...whhhhyyyy??? I understand you cant make someone be at the same place with the same thought but cmon son! You wait til i am completely over the idea of an "US/WE/OUR" to come back with  some 'act right'. I try not to hold grudges (cough cough) but something has to give. Like many other frustrated women and men we want warning signs texted to us when we meet nice men/women who have the intent to waste our time. Nothing is more annoying that someone who has consumes my child-free moments only to find out you are that interested but still want to hang out. Miss me with that. I would like to be compensated for all the time, energy, outfits and emotion that a guy wasted up until the point where we have the conversation "I'm not ready for a relationship". Most of the time I am able to dodge the bullet by being in tune about the nonverbal things a guys says. BUT there are time when a slick one slithers further than id like them to. It is all about strategy and identyfying what the other persons intentions as soon as possible. I do have friends who date just to date. I see no point in that! It may be all about having fun and getting to know people. Unfortunately I dont get much free time to partake in the 'dating game'. I honestly dont play or like games.

Single-ism

If anyone know about being set in their ways IT'S ME. First I should define what single-isms are, it is our personal way of thinking that we disguise as a rule, standard, or deal breaker. We all have them.The bad thing is we believe these single-isms so much we don't see that it is another way that we will stay (drum roll) S.I.N.G.L.E! Yes if we want to stay single we will keep sabotaging ourselves. Have you ever noticed that your rules haven't worked in the past? Waiting until  you get involved with someone is NOT the time to get rid of  single-isms. Matter of fact that's the worse time. it can be somewhat of a culture shock to some and may have you tense and stress.

Let me just say there is nothing wrong with having things you like and don't like but some of us go over bored. Some of us requires things we personally are not or don't have. I am all about being with someone that pushes you to do better but lets not be delusional about it. Some people have methods to their madness and may not directly meet your standards but may indirectly but "the one".


Some Single-isms
1. He doesn't have formal education
2. She doesn't cook like my Mom or Gma
3. He doesn't drive an expensive car
4. She doesn't meet my height requirement
5. He doesnt have a house
6. She doesn't have style

7. He doesnt talk like my Exs

Feeling Some Type Of Way

What happens when you lose interests in your person of interest off one incident? The may say or do something that somewhat turns you off. To the point you dwell on that one thing too long and there is no point of return. I have heard this from people of both sexes.  A guy may answer his phone without saying excuse me on a date Or a lady could consistently be late for dates. Most of the time the issue can be resolved without involving the other party. But what happens when you need to confront the person and advise them what he or she has done has you feeling some type of way. I mean... how do you formulate the words to say that "your actions or sentence made me look at you differently”? It's such a sticky situation you don’t want to it be nitpicky yet you need to be able to verbalize emotions so that you and the person can connect or even disconnect.  I always advise others to just say what needs to be said not matter the consequence. Is that really how we should be? Are the minor things that annoy us just single-isms (will post about this later this week)

Men...

Ode to Men

I can’t even deny that I am totally fascinated by how men think. Sometimes it doesn’t make sense to me as a female how, why or why not you all do the things you do. It seems so unfair how we blame and mistreat some of you. I would like to apologize for some of us who have caused unnecessary pain in your life. Personally I didn’t realize the effect this had until I got older. It nothing worse then coming after a no good chick. I have so many horrible stories the past few years of how men have gotten dogged completely out. As men I know you are taught to not show/express certain emotions. Eventually that will/can take a toll on you. From my point of view you must be very careful in the preliminaries of dating these days. What I am telling you should be used case by case. Not all of us deal with things the same way. If you take time to not focus on really getting to know us before making ANY moves. You just might save your self from having a stalker/bush jumper. Common things to be aware of are:

Ladies who grew up w/o fathers

Ladies with childhood burdens that they haven’t addressed

Ladies desperate to be with you

Ladies who track you where about after date #1

Ladies angry with their child(rens) father

Ladies who repeatedly tell you they are daddy’s girls

Ladies who want to consume your time

Comunication or the Lack of it

I have no clue what you are saying?????????

Women- Some of us tend to be more verbally about our wants, likes, and desires in certain areas. Unfortunately I think we talk too much and give a lot of “fluff”. Oftentimes our point is missed because the story is too long, gossip is added in or we are all over the place with no sense of directions. How we talk to our homegirls should not be how we talk to our men.


Men- Some tend to not state enough of their overall wants, needs, dislikes. Sometimes your focus could be one aspect of your life to the point where we find you one dimensional, shallow and boring. The conversation starts getting too routine-like. The non verbal convos you all have with your home boys doesn’t work well with a lot of women.





How can we fix this? The answer is by not being self centered when communicating. Assuming the other person talks, listens and expresses themselves like you do is a start. Asking certain questions about past convos to see what the person got out of what you said. I have asked my homegirls “what is your point?” Men, I knnnnnooowww you all cant get away with saying this. But in a loving manner try to steer her in the direction of getting to the point. Emotions get in the way of us telling the story. I do want to mention there are some things that can trigger us missing what is being said. Here are a few:

1.Getting cut off in the middle of a sentence, point or thought

2. hearing its not that big a deal, you will be alright, stop being so sensitive

3. being placed on hold right in the middle of a crisis

4.having to repeat what you are saying multiple times



What your point? The moral of the story is…Personally I find myself listening to some of my homegirls and question to myself what the heck is she saying or OMG this girl is talking me to death about nothing or I hope she doesn’t talk like this to her dude because I know how would be lost.

What do you want your partner to get from this? I feel that every conversation is a chance to learn something different or reconfirm what you already think about your partner. Sometimes when I am ranting and raving I stop myself midway and just say bottom line is I don’t like for people to… or it makes me feel sad when… No room for anything to be lost in translation.

Forgiveness

Forgiving






This is a tough topic for me because I have been known to hold grudges….w/o shame might I add. But what damage has that really caused? I mean really! Someone does me wrong and I cut them off without a second thought. Why? My reasoning is because I have been hurt in the past and allowed the person back in only to get hurt THE SAME way again. I spoke with an Ex over the weekend and after our conversation I realized that I had finally forgiven him and could now possible pursue a friendship. I often tell people I am funny acting because I am. Loyalty, trust, honesty in any relationship is mandatory for me. if one of these gets tarnished>>>it’s a wrap. “Selective Forgiveness” is what myself and a lot of people have to a certain extent. Depending on the amount of pain caused determines when or if I will forgive. I am not saying this is the right thing to do. Matter of fact I know it is completely wrong. Another aspect of my thinking I am working on…. I am very good at letting go, writing people off and being/becoming emotionally detached. In order for anyone to becoming a better person they must practice forgiving. I am not stating that forgiving requires you to allow that person back in TOTALLY AGAINST THAT IDEA *exceptions are made*. That stronghold that individual that you haven’t forgiven is in your head and heart until you let it go. The un forgiveness can directly or indirectly any and all relationships you may have/had. By not forgiving someone in your past you may sabotage your future. TRUE Story.Picture having a deep cut and doing a homemade bandage on it. Over a few days it “appears” that the cut is healing on the surface. If anyone rubs against it you will notice that your arm may be sore.  Until you truly heal its hard to not feel some type of discomfort or pain.

 
 

I would like to ask forgiveness from everyone that is still hurting form something I have done, said or didn't say. I would hate to be the reason someone doesn't move forward in their life.

Matter of the Heart

I often say " I am in my feelings" when I become overwhelmed by my emotions. But what really causes that? Stress!!! Some of us place ourselves under so much stress trying to be superheroes.  The term “fight-or-flight” comes to mind as the mentality most have when they are stressed. The problem is we are not aware how this can effect our health. Imagine a 20 year old college student losing his life because of a heart attack. Only to find out that he was under massive amount of stress: 1st one to be in college, 2 jobs to take are of family and own child on the way. This is a real life scenario. Like many people I learn to just cope with stress and only get overwhelmed when its more than a normal amount of stress. To me it makes sense but the I stepped our of myself. Its just like having on many layers of clothes in the hottest day of the summer in Alabama but instead of taking clothes off I continue to add on more layers. Now that's ridiculous, right? Beyond a certain point, stress stops being helpful and starts causing major damage to your health, your mood, your productivity, your relationships, and your quality of life.


We must find ways to not put our heart through so much strain.

Conversing

Can you hear me now?

There is such a disconnect between some when it comes to conversations. I am not sure where the email, texted, voicemail, or instant message was sent that said that we must all communication the same in a relationship. In the past I have counted men out of weren't as expressive as me. I felt I was doing all the talking on the phone and in person. Little did I know back then that non verbal "talking" was something that worked better for me. I have had a few conversations with my friends about certain situations they have been in and it all boils down to who said what or didn't say something or who didn't say enough. I now practice the art of conversing. This is when you make sure there isn't any distractions when you have conversations over the phone. In person you focus in on the persons eyes and try to read what their eyes are saying while they talk. Next part is to repeat what you thought you heard then advise what your perception of what was said. Often we hear and believe two different things. This makes things easy to get lost in translation.

Lets get back to  the non word "conversating"

Baggage & Bitterness

I made a statement on twitter today that you can tell a bitter woman by her facebook status. It amazes me that we (men and women) carry burdens that we have caused in ourselves. Fellas you knew that she was thick with no sense and  a lot of craziness. That combo ALONE screams bush jumper,lol. Ladies we knew that man was married when we placed all our time, feelings, dreams and bed with him. Then after these relationship setbacks you jump right into the next with out cleansing your system. This time you find a nice person that was single but you self sabotaged it by cheating because you thought something else better was out there. Now we are on to the next. This time you may have grown some, had a change in heart and met someone who you clicked with. We add and add and add to our closet without sifting through. Now what the problem? We have some much stuff from the past we carry to our future there is no room for the new person.



This is similar to when a man and woman get married and move in together. The woman moves into the ex bachelor's house with all her stuff.  The baggage is heavy, the luggage is worn, the clothes she cant fit. Yet she still is holding on it her size zero catsuit with a fir trim from the 70s.

Frustration

I'm opening up and allowing myself to be vulnerable >>>briefly

I would to scream and shout right now. Not at anyone in particular but just as a way to get rid of some of this wait on my shoulder. Have you ever gotten to the point where you are so overwhelmed that you feel like "if one more thing happens I may lose it?" Well that me right now. I know my problem...I have and keep a lot on my plate. But id rather help people with their problem because I feel theirs is not as difficult to figure out as mine. Which leaves me beyond empty. I have also noticed that sometimes people unintentionally are self absorbed and self centered and don't consider all that someone else may be going through. I am NOTORIOUS for just going off the radar without warning when I feel that way. I know it isn't healthy for me or fair to others.  I am working on it. Its just find the proper words to say what needs to be said. I know it requires the other person to be accepting, attentive and to actively listen. Its hard to advise someone of something without them being defensive then giving excuse as to why their life is so hard they cant think that yours may be harder.


Frustration comes at a point when there is a change, stepping out of comfort zone and or too many emotions are going on at one time. I'm sure that you all have been at a point when you cant control a situations that you feel you should. Or just felt like your life, relationship or situation was just not what you pictured. It tough to be at a point that you feel alone in a room full of people. It happens! I know I am so use to coping, managing and pushing away my feelings because I don't even have the time to thoroughly process everything or have an emotional meltdown.

Part of my frustration is being an ONLY SINGLE PARENT. That means I do it all. the good guy, bad guy, friend, disciplinarian, nutritionist, nurse etc. As much as I appreciate the help from close friends and family no one has a clue of how I really feel. I go on and just make things work with very little complaints. Besides if I do have a complaint or problem who will fix it but me.

Now honestly I feel that this may be my fault. There isn't one person that knows my whole story (including my parents) . For many past reasons I find it hard to open completely open up to anyone.Not sure if anyone has made me comfortable or I have felt comfortable enough to share. I do believe that is something I have to work on unfortunately i don't know where to start with that


work in progress

How Much Is Your Heart Worth?

 I OVERstand how annoying and boring singlehood can get at time. Eating alone, no one to discuss tv shows or what happened in your day BUT REALLY why are we selling ourselves short just to change our relationship statuses on facebook. Our heart is worth so much more than leasing it to the first bidder. Besides we all know what the definition of lease is *side eye*. No one better knows our worth than us. We are the reason people treat us like they do. So if we have no self worth.???...ding ding ding tell them what they have won....HEARTACHE. Of course its a sticky situation when you think you have someone you kinda sorta in a way feelin and your like well its not much out there. Sometime I find myself thinking back on situations like IT WAS NOT EVEN WORTH IT.


Check this out Bad Relationships Could Damage Your Heart

Transparency

 Time and time again I hear this phrase "he/she wasn't like this in the beginning". Why do we 'fake the funk'? Are we not happy with who we really are that we have to use a form of trickery...yes I said trickery to get a mate. It blows my mind when I see people I KNOW act a certain way that is totally different from the real them. I take pride in being me. Who better to be me than me? We should all feel that way. Yes we all have flaws and insecurities but eventually they surface. What  happens when what was once covered is exposed? hell breaks loose. The other person feels they can no longer trust you or they second guess your actions and intentions. And they have every right to do so.

I have heard may time people say I don't completely show my true colors until I am officially in the relationship. For example A man may out on a from that he is has more than enough money to pay for all the dates during the preliminary dating period but once in the relationship he wants his girlfriend to cook all the time and share in the cost of the dates. Then we have women who put on the act like they have everything together ( financially, emotionally, physically) then once in a relationship they need their man to carry their load.


Allow me to be transparent... I can admit, I have worn a partial mask. Thats when you dont reveal how you totally are. This mask is worn when you are around people you may not care for and you give a fake smile. We say we 'keep it real' or 'keep things 100' but do we really?

OMD

                                                                 Open Minded Dating

It is no secret I am very particular when it comes to this dating thing. Not all my experiences have been bad. Its apparent they haven't been what was needed for me being that I am single.This week I made the decision to try open minded dating. OMD is a term I have created to explain altering your "list" of wants from a mate. Based on conversations I have had recently the "list" is a collection of wants, needs, and deal breakers. If we don't take the time to identify which is which we end up making a big deal about a want and by passing what we consider a deal breaker. From experience I have been T.O.U.G.H about my list. My list consisted of ALL deal breakers. Yes *rolls eyes* I NOW know realistically that there are a few things I must have but all the other things are a bit extra.This week I have noticed that this attitude has given me a different outlook on relationships. As much as I think I am open minded I find myself placing people in a box. A lot of us feel the same way. We are open minded to a certain extent. If we take the time to look within we will realize *drum roll please* WE ARE NOT PERFECT. Yeah I know it was shocking to me too. Why not take a chance and try open minded dating? What do we have to lose?


Now by no means am I saying that OMD means just date whoever but I am saying think about all (stubborness, neediness, etc)  you come with that someone has to deal with and reconsider the "list" you have.

Flausin & Frontin

What worse than a man flausin and bragging about himself and what he has????>>>>>a woman frontin and claiming independency

I dont care how attractive a man is once he starts 'advising' me of what he has, who he is, and all he does I am COMPLETELY turned off. I am sure there are plenty of women that feel the same way.

Ladies Ladies Ladies there is a bigger epedimic.

I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T >>>do you know what that means?


I absolutely loathe when I hear a female proclaim she is independent. I feel the eye rolls through my laptop. Let me just break it down. Paying bills, keeping your hair and nails done, working out, having your own place, taking care of the children you birth, cooking, owning a vehicle are things that any responsible person does. What makes someone feel the need to state the obvious? I mean really ladies! If you didn't pay your bills wouldn't YOU be irresponsible? If you didn't pay rent where you stayed wouldn't YOU be a freeloader? If you didn't maintain your appearance would YOU look a mess? I personally would be slapping everyone who helps/has helped me by claiming to be something I am not. Now don't get me wrong I am not saying we shouldn't be proud of doing the things responsible people do. Its nothing to brag or sounds so competitive. I know some may have the rebuttal "some chicks aren't taking care of their responsibilities". Well ummmm if your royalty would you compare yourself to a peasant? Oh okay, where way I?


Remember responsible people do responsible thing

Patterns, Spots & Patchwork

As if being sane and single wasn't a task...there is more,lol. One thing that puzzles me is why do people get into dating and relationship? The question isn't for the people who are interested like me. These are for the scorned, scared, lazy, commitment phobic, and or still attached to their previous partners. I tend to not think past what someone shows me patterns, spots and patch work. I do realize that with love, time and prayer things can be worked through. Some of us need to realize when they need to be alone and work on self before getting involved with someone else who that can potential hurt.


Patterns
It takes about around 20 days to form a pattern. Which is normally the beginning period where both parties are somewhat consistent. Both explain why they didn't call, quick to apologize,and want to make good impressions. Then all of a sudden maybe the girl goes out of town on business and the communication slacks off for a few days. She returns and things change. She then feels some type of way and he feels he doesn't have to explain himself. Pattern broken, no recovery made or maybe not even attempted, interest lost/fades....where is the restart button

Spots
I hear this far to often from friends. That when you really diggin someone but certain ways irritate you. You stick out hoping things will get better. Turns out overtime that little irritant thing has become flat out annoying. Instead of focusing on the positive that 1,2 or a few flaws have distracted your focus. Often times we don't address with the other party until its too late. The conversation turns every one's defenses on full blast, someone if not both shut down...where is the restart button

Patch Work
This by far is my favorite of the 3 (insert sarcasm here). This is when a person is looking for someone to fill a void, left by their past partner/partners, themselves, relative or just need something to do. YOU NOT FINNA USE ME FOR A ONE SIDED NUFFIN *Excuse my outburst* These folks 'act' as if they want what you want. Matter of fact that rrreeaaallyy know how to make this act last a few months. Then they start wanting you to change, get extra needy or seem to never be happy with your efforts. Either the person make all the attempts gets fed up or the emotional leech disappears and moves on to the next...let's just press forward on this.




HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me!!!!




It's not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what's required.Sir Winston Churchill

Out of Order

I have grown to realize that our generation has misconstrued how all types of relationships work. The basic foundation to any relationship is friendship. For the past few weeks i have started evaluating all the people i consider friends. I even took time out to write out my needs/wants/desires out of a friendship. Do we even know how to be friends? What is a friend and How does one become a good friend? How can we effectively find the love of our lives when we don't even have the basic fundamentals of being a friend down pact? We live in such a self centered society and it is easy to fall in the trap of being selfish. I have vowed to not only become a better friend but to remove other who are not meeting my standard of friendship.

Here are a few things I jotted down..

Actively listen to each other
Make attempts to try to understand each other's feelings, ways and moods
Help each other solve problems
Give each other compliments
Disagree without hurting each other
Dependable & loyal
Respect each other
Trustworthy
Care about each other

Choices

Everyday we make choices to do things> waking up, deciding to leave the house, what to eat, etc.

Often times just times we forget to look at the big picture when making choices. When meeting with clients my goal is to assist them in realizing the daily choices they make do effect them in the long run. By just taking 2 additional seconds before making a decision could help prevent " what if" question. I am challenging myself this week to really look at the choices I make when dealing with a particular situation. The outcome should be different than what has been happening.