I am Capable...But am I willing

In December I took a quiz on lovecapcity.com


Score: 4 You are capable of giving and receiving love at the same rate but you don't. In each of your relationships you purposely hold back or you think that they are purposely holding back





I suggest everyone take the quiz. Sadly it did not take a quiz for me to figure this one out. Although the way it is stated really had me saying” Oh Wow I need to do better”. I am aware that my past has a lot to do with how I interact with people in general. I feel it’s easier to stay at arms length. I can see what the other person is or isn’t doing. However what good is that?!!! I mean in retrospect my track record has been kind of hit or miss. Some people have benefitted from having me in their life but I can’t say they same. Whose fault is it...Ultimately mine. The decision to have anyone in my life is mine…even family. No longer can I allow myself to continue with the same track record. That is the joy of the 30s…ability to reprogram. Although anytime is the best time…it’s good to have a restart. So by taking ownership of my choices I am now able to make the decision to “dive in” (Trey song voice) instead of falling back.

When is the right time to speak up

Should I just tell him/her how I feel?
But if we do and she/he isn't interested we've ruined the friendship and or embarrassed ourselves.

WAIT!!!!!!!!!what if she/he feels the same way or we confess months...years later and the response is they felt/feel the same way.

Its such an emotional gamble to put yourself in a position of being vulnerable. I tend to rate the risk...in everything not just work. It's easier with a stranger than with someone you know. With someone you don't know you really don't have anything to lose. You walk up and just go for it.

In life I believe you should always be like that unfortunately its easier said than done. I personally think this is the toughest thing to confess. Why don't we like taking risk? We take risk while driving and even interacting with people who we know aren't good for us. We only have one life to live. How many times do we get it wrong to get it right? Even to say we've tried 10 times we have to try TEN times.

So let's take a chance.  I challenge all us single people to take a risk. Tell someone you're interested and see how it goes. Either they will say Yes or No. Dont assume until you directly ask.

String Along

How often have I encountered the guy or female who advise that they like dating just to date? Unfortunately some of these types don't advise the other party. So they seek out challenges to peak their interest and then move on to the next as if that person was at their disposal. It's similar to watching a kitten chasing after a ball of yarn. Once the kitten catches the ball a few time the excitement fades and a new toy is played with.

People need to realize that they can really hurt people by their selfish, inconsiderate and childish behavior. AND for what? the power to manipulate someone who genuinely likes and cares about you. All this does is add to your bad karma and create unnecessary baggage for another. Maybe even cause a vicious cycle.

Timing

Time=Investment



It is puzzling that some people don’t get that in order to really appreciate, learn and understand the person you’re interested in you must spend time. Now I am not stating that you have to consume all your time with your significant other that you neglect your friends and family. But allotted time should be set aside so that each party feels placed in the others life. Personally I can come off stand offish and not as affectionate as I should be. That is why everyone should make a point to take the time to show and tell the person that you care about. Timing is often a convenient excuse, but I'm not always positive it is the real reason. If two people really want to be together, they will both put in effort to try to make it work. It's possible that after trying, one or both may feel like it's not worth the effort, but there has to be at least the initial good-faith attempt. Basically, I can only think of a handful of circumstances where timing is a true, for real, legitimate reason to end a relationship that both people are in to. If you find that someone is not returning the effort you have put into pursing them, It may very well not be an issue of timing at all, and you will have to ask ourself if it's really worth trying to chase after them.

Comunication or the Lack of it

I have no clue what you are saying?????????

Women- Some of us tend to be more verbally about our wants, likes, and desires in certain areas. Unfortunately I think we talk too much and give a lot of “fluff”. Oftentimes our point is missed because the story is too long, gossip is added in or we are all over the place with no sense of directions. How we talk to our homegirls should not be how we talk to our men.


Men- Some tend to not state enough of their overall wants, needs, dislikes. Sometimes your focus could be one aspect of your life to the point where we find you one dimensional, shallow and boring. The conversation starts getting too routine-like. The non verbal convos you all have with your home boys doesn’t work well with a lot of women.





How can we fix this? The answer is by not being self centered when communicating. Assuming the other person talks, listens and expresses themselves like you do is a start. Asking certain questions about past convos to see what the person got out of what you said. I have asked my homegirls “what is your point?” Men, I knnnnnooowww you all cant get away with saying this. But in a loving manner try to steer her in the direction of getting to the point. Emotions get in the way of us telling the story. I do want to mention there are some things that can trigger us missing what is being said. Here are a few:

1.Getting cut off in the middle of a sentence, point or thought

2. hearing its not that big a deal, you will be alright, stop being so sensitive

3. being placed on hold right in the middle of a crisis

4.having to repeat what you are saying multiple times



What your point? The moral of the story is…Personally I find myself listening to some of my homegirls and question to myself what the heck is she saying or OMG this girl is talking me to death about nothing or I hope she doesn’t talk like this to her dude because I know how would be lost.

What do you want your partner to get from this? I feel that every conversation is a chance to learn something different or reconfirm what you already think about your partner. Sometimes when I am ranting and raving I stop myself midway and just say bottom line is I don’t like for people to… or it makes me feel sad when… No room for anything to be lost in translation.

Matter of the Heart

I often say " I am in my feelings" when I become overwhelmed by my emotions. But what really causes that? Stress!!! Some of us place ourselves under so much stress trying to be superheroes.  The term “fight-or-flight” comes to mind as the mentality most have when they are stressed. The problem is we are not aware how this can effect our health. Imagine a 20 year old college student losing his life because of a heart attack. Only to find out that he was under massive amount of stress: 1st one to be in college, 2 jobs to take are of family and own child on the way. This is a real life scenario. Like many people I learn to just cope with stress and only get overwhelmed when its more than a normal amount of stress. To me it makes sense but the I stepped our of myself. Its just like having on many layers of clothes in the hottest day of the summer in Alabama but instead of taking clothes off I continue to add on more layers. Now that's ridiculous, right? Beyond a certain point, stress stops being helpful and starts causing major damage to your health, your mood, your productivity, your relationships, and your quality of life.


We must find ways to not put our heart through so much strain.

Conversing

Can you hear me now?

There is such a disconnect between some when it comes to conversations. I am not sure where the email, texted, voicemail, or instant message was sent that said that we must all communication the same in a relationship. In the past I have counted men out of weren't as expressive as me. I felt I was doing all the talking on the phone and in person. Little did I know back then that non verbal "talking" was something that worked better for me. I have had a few conversations with my friends about certain situations they have been in and it all boils down to who said what or didn't say something or who didn't say enough. I now practice the art of conversing. This is when you make sure there isn't any distractions when you have conversations over the phone. In person you focus in on the persons eyes and try to read what their eyes are saying while they talk. Next part is to repeat what you thought you heard then advise what your perception of what was said. Often we hear and believe two different things. This makes things easy to get lost in translation.

Lets get back to  the non word "conversating"

Frustration

I'm opening up and allowing myself to be vulnerable >>>briefly

I would to scream and shout right now. Not at anyone in particular but just as a way to get rid of some of this wait on my shoulder. Have you ever gotten to the point where you are so overwhelmed that you feel like "if one more thing happens I may lose it?" Well that me right now. I know my problem...I have and keep a lot on my plate. But id rather help people with their problem because I feel theirs is not as difficult to figure out as mine. Which leaves me beyond empty. I have also noticed that sometimes people unintentionally are self absorbed and self centered and don't consider all that someone else may be going through. I am NOTORIOUS for just going off the radar without warning when I feel that way. I know it isn't healthy for me or fair to others.  I am working on it. Its just find the proper words to say what needs to be said. I know it requires the other person to be accepting, attentive and to actively listen. Its hard to advise someone of something without them being defensive then giving excuse as to why their life is so hard they cant think that yours may be harder.


Frustration comes at a point when there is a change, stepping out of comfort zone and or too many emotions are going on at one time. I'm sure that you all have been at a point when you cant control a situations that you feel you should. Or just felt like your life, relationship or situation was just not what you pictured. It tough to be at a point that you feel alone in a room full of people. It happens! I know I am so use to coping, managing and pushing away my feelings because I don't even have the time to thoroughly process everything or have an emotional meltdown.

Part of my frustration is being an ONLY SINGLE PARENT. That means I do it all. the good guy, bad guy, friend, disciplinarian, nutritionist, nurse etc. As much as I appreciate the help from close friends and family no one has a clue of how I really feel. I go on and just make things work with very little complaints. Besides if I do have a complaint or problem who will fix it but me.

Now honestly I feel that this may be my fault. There isn't one person that knows my whole story (including my parents) . For many past reasons I find it hard to open completely open up to anyone.Not sure if anyone has made me comfortable or I have felt comfortable enough to share. I do believe that is something I have to work on unfortunately i don't know where to start with that


work in progress

Patterns, Spots & Patchwork

As if being sane and single wasn't a task...there is more,lol. One thing that puzzles me is why do people get into dating and relationship? The question isn't for the people who are interested like me. These are for the scorned, scared, lazy, commitment phobic, and or still attached to their previous partners. I tend to not think past what someone shows me patterns, spots and patch work. I do realize that with love, time and prayer things can be worked through. Some of us need to realize when they need to be alone and work on self before getting involved with someone else who that can potential hurt.


Patterns
It takes about around 20 days to form a pattern. Which is normally the beginning period where both parties are somewhat consistent. Both explain why they didn't call, quick to apologize,and want to make good impressions. Then all of a sudden maybe the girl goes out of town on business and the communication slacks off for a few days. She returns and things change. She then feels some type of way and he feels he doesn't have to explain himself. Pattern broken, no recovery made or maybe not even attempted, interest lost/fades....where is the restart button

Spots
I hear this far to often from friends. That when you really diggin someone but certain ways irritate you. You stick out hoping things will get better. Turns out overtime that little irritant thing has become flat out annoying. Instead of focusing on the positive that 1,2 or a few flaws have distracted your focus. Often times we don't address with the other party until its too late. The conversation turns every one's defenses on full blast, someone if not both shut down...where is the restart button

Patch Work
This by far is my favorite of the 3 (insert sarcasm here). This is when a person is looking for someone to fill a void, left by their past partner/partners, themselves, relative or just need something to do. YOU NOT FINNA USE ME FOR A ONE SIDED NUFFIN *Excuse my outburst* These folks 'act' as if they want what you want. Matter of fact that rrreeaaallyy know how to make this act last a few months. Then they start wanting you to change, get extra needy or seem to never be happy with your efforts. Either the person make all the attempts gets fed up or the emotional leech disappears and moves on to the next...let's just press forward on this.




HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me!!!!




It's not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what's required.Sir Winston Churchill

Out of Order

I have grown to realize that our generation has misconstrued how all types of relationships work. The basic foundation to any relationship is friendship. For the past few weeks i have started evaluating all the people i consider friends. I even took time out to write out my needs/wants/desires out of a friendship. Do we even know how to be friends? What is a friend and How does one become a good friend? How can we effectively find the love of our lives when we don't even have the basic fundamentals of being a friend down pact? We live in such a self centered society and it is easy to fall in the trap of being selfish. I have vowed to not only become a better friend but to remove other who are not meeting my standard of friendship.

Here are a few things I jotted down..

Actively listen to each other
Make attempts to try to understand each other's feelings, ways and moods
Help each other solve problems
Give each other compliments
Disagree without hurting each other
Dependable & loyal
Respect each other
Trustworthy
Care about each other

Choices

Everyday we make choices to do things> waking up, deciding to leave the house, what to eat, etc.

Often times just times we forget to look at the big picture when making choices. When meeting with clients my goal is to assist them in realizing the daily choices they make do effect them in the long run. By just taking 2 additional seconds before making a decision could help prevent " what if" question. I am challenging myself this week to really look at the choices I make when dealing with a particular situation. The outcome should be different than what has been happening.

Whose Job Is It Anyway

Often times I wonder why a "Everything they should know by adulthood" handbook was not included once anyone became a parent. I mean...really there are so many things that can be forgotten. Most parents choose to correct the mistakes from the 1st child with the 2nd. But as we grow older we realize there are a lot of things we just didn't have preparation for. For me I realized that I was exposed to different things but parenting, expressing myself and intimate relationships were not things my parents instructed me on. I was left to research, experience and learn from friends. This is the reason I decided on a career as a life coach. How fortunate are those who are well rounded in all areas of life because of their parents. It is rare to find a person who says " Everything I know I received from my parents". To have someone like myself self assist in piecing everything together is a time, stress and frustration saver. Try a consultation with a life coach.